In Our Darkest Hours
by MacabreDiva
Summary: It is often in our darkest hours that we make the most important realizations of our true selves. Desideria has just defeated Corypheus, and is now pondering the use of the Inquisition now that it's sole purpose has been completed. Her mind seems fractured and broken with doubt and faithlessness crowding her thoughts and dreams. What is left?
1. Prologue

Corypheus is dead. His body lay before us – and I couldn't quite believe it. Was this shock? Or merely just my inability to comprehend how far we had gotten. Wasn't this suppose to be the moment we all waited for? Our anxiety, fears and hopes finally coming to a conclusion.

I peered down at myself momentarily – _a bloody one at that._ That was the only thought that seemed invaded my brain. Nothing else seemed to penetrate it. For the first time – since all this madness began – my brain was silent. Unfortunately, it wasn't as welcome as I expected it to be.

I looked around. Dorian was dishevelled – his air out of place. He would cringe if he saw himself in the mirror. Cassandra was sitting on the ground, blade and shield in front of her, eyes to the sky. I wondered if she was praying… It seemed like the appropriate time for that. Iron Bull had opened himself a flask – and was drinking. I couldn't blame him.

"Want to pass some of that this way?"

Iron Bull didn't even look – he just threw it. "Thanks.".

"Don't mention it".

I took one long swig before I threw it back at him. Varric looked at me slightly amused, "generally you're suppose to have that before you start the fight of your life".

"Since when are you so picky?"

Varric chuckled slightly under his breath before he turned around to look at the body before us. He walked up to it and kicked it with the toe of his boots. "Just checking," he murmured.

All I could do was nod. I didn't know if I could handle the idea of him coming back. Varric even less so; especially since he believed him dead once before.

"Well are we just gonna stand around and look at the guy? Or are we going to go back to Skyhold and spread the good news?" Dorian's voice came from behind me. I turned around and looked at him – a small, not really convincing, smile was on my lips; but only briefly. "You know, you're suppose to be happy the bugger is dead. At least, the people at skyhold need to see you rejoice. You don't look very convincing Inquisitor".

Dorian was right, "I think I'm in shock honestly".

"You're not the only one," Varric piped in.

I realized it didn't matter though. People we were waiting. Thedas was waiting to hear the news. To them it would be worse still – to them Corypheus could have killed me already. To them – their world could still end at the drop of a hat.

"Let us go back Desideria," Cassandra said, a look of sympathy flashed. I think she understood my emotions. "If not for us – then for the people".

"You're right."

"This will help." Cole said, "The beast is dead. This will help".

A question began to form in my mind. Cole was right. The beast was dead. The sole purpose of the inquisition met and dealt with.

What do we do now?


	2. Chapter 1 - The World Turns

The party just seemed endless. I couldn't believe how _happy_ everyone seemed. I should be right in there with them. Why wasn't I?

The thought didn't last long in my mind however, as I began to witness Varric and Iron Bull in a drinking contest. It was quite amusing.

"Dwarf, face it, I've got you pegged".

"Not in your life time Tiny".

I chuckled, "If I didn't know any better I would have said that you were still in school".

"Pssht! Des, just because I enjoy a good battle, and some war strategy talk, doesn't mean I'm a mature Qunari."

"You've got that right boss," Krem shook her head at the pair.

Josephine chuckled, a smirk adorning her lips, "If your maturity states anything about your manhood size, then I should feel bad for all the ladies that, dare I say, 'ride the bull".

My mouth just dropped. Did Josephine just say THAT, rudely I might add, to Iron Bull. Varric was on the floor, holding his stomach like it would burst at any second from the amount of laughing.

"Oh my! Did I say that out loud? I must remember to use my indoor voice next time, my apologies".

"Ruffles, you just made my day".

"I think I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor". The look on Iron Bull's face was hilarious. "I think she's got you Bull".

"For now," he scoffed, turning towards Josephine, "Maybe you'd like to Ride the Bull and see for yourself", all that happened was a blush colouring onto Josephine's cheeks.

I turned, my head might pop off If I continued t shake it anymore. Yet, when something like that was said, I should have been joining Varric on the floor. Instead, with my mind muddled, I exited the Tavern.

It was a cool night, the wind gently caressed my face, like a lover's hand. I sighed, it was a welcoming feeling. I lifted my head towards the sky, eyes closing, and just breathed for a moment. Was it really all over?

With one last sigh, I began walking toward the keep when a small realization hit me. All the nobles will be in the keep and I would have to talk to everyone of them before reaching my bed chambers. Which happened to be on the other side of the grand hall… I was going to have to talk to Josephine about that later.

So instead, I turned my journey towards one of the empty towers. With all that was going on, some of the renovations to Skyhold hadn't been completed yet. Just the ones that were necessary to improve the view of the inquisition. I couldn't really imagine Nobles taking a stroll on the battlements.

As I walked, the voices faded with every step I took and the light dimmed from behind me, until nothing was left around me except the castle walls and the stars. Within every step I took, however, I realized how different I was from everyone.

Not that I was mage. Not even that I was an elf. I could just sense that I was apart from everyone. Not in a way that set my higher… definitely not. I just was.

As the breeze rustled through my hair, my thoughts drifted along the wind. Not scattering but flowing through – like everything wasn't quite settled – just calm. I started almost reliving how my life turned. From stepping out of the Fade to finally killing the beast. But was the beast really dead?

He physically was, but his words always played through my brain. At the time, I could just tell myself he was evil – everything he said was to upset myself, the inquisition, or others around me. With him dead, I couldn't claim that anymore. There was no reason his words could still effect me this way.

 _Pretender._

I flinched at the memory.

"Everyone else is either in the Tavern, or the grand hall… Yet the leader of the Inquisition has found herself on the battlements looking like you're expecting evil to come at us at any second… Why is that?"

A pause… a shift. The voice sent chills up my spine… I knew if I turned that lopsided grin would be my undoing… Yet didn't I want to be undone? To feel normal? To feel something other than empty?

"Just wondering what will happen with the Inquisition now that Corypheus is dead".

I heard his footsteps come closer till he was standing directly beside me. I had yet to look at him but I felt the heat from his presence. The scent of sandalwood within the air.

"Isn't that something we are suppose to worry about after the celebration and the hangovers?"

"Will there be a need for the Inquisition now that our sole purpose has been accomplished?"

"Desideria…" I could feel the pause like a weight being placed upon my shoulders. Cullen was right, I should be celebrating with the rest of them. Not up here, morbid, and sour, trying to plan our next move. I should be partying, getting drunk… looking forward to the hangover because I could afford to. "The war between Templars and Mages is still rampant across Thedas… I believe the inquisition will still be needed. Don't lose hope after this major success".

His words offered little comfort. "The world will continue to turn, with or without us," I paused, "and I'm afraid that's up to Thedas… not us".


	3. Chapter 2 - Always Within You

Dawn emerged over the walls of Skyhold and my room began to flood with the light from the sun. The stained glass windows casting beautiful glimmers of colour along the walls of my room. I was jealous of how gorgeous the day could be when I was so lost within my own brain.

As I looked around and stirred slowly from my bed, stretching and getting the feel of my body once more, I noticed something strange. A book. At the bottom of my bed. _Cole._ I mused to myself. I knew of this book from the library. It was the one I offered to him to when he was upset about not being bound – instead taking the amulet Solas found for him. _The Fade Never Leaves and is Instead Always Within You._ I smiled. However, I couldn't figure out why he had decided to give it to me instead of just returning it to the library. It was kind of creepy that he dropped it in here whilst I slept… I shivered. Cole was one of a kind, I would give him that.

With one last stretch I sat up, the covers falling from my upper body, cool air hitting my chest and arms. A small sigh escaping my lips. Not one of contentment however, just a sigh of things to come.

Today we were to talk about where the Inquisition would go. What we would do? It was daunting. A headache began behind my eyes. Stress? Probably.

I shifted my legs to the side of the bed. My head hanging low, eyes drifting closed for a moment. _If only I could sleep forever_. The thought crossed my mind before I could stop it. I shivered. I couldn't go there right now; instead, I raised myself from my bed and slowly made my way to the dresser. My wardrobe of the usual black on black. Comfort. Routine. Maybe that was what I was lacking. Maybe the fear of the unknown was rattling me. Until now – we always knew what the goal was. Where to set our eyes – and it seemed like the horizon would always be there, whether for better or worse.

Doesn't matter now. Those days are over. We won. _Shouldn't I be happier?_ The book loomed over behind me. Like a shadow pressing into my back. An aching muscle that wasn't being used. I turned to stare at as I pulled my shirt over my head… That book. _Cole never leaves anything or takes anything without a reason._ I shifted uncomfortably. _Maybe he's telling you that this is the end. You're done. Finished._ My conscious turned into a small voice in the back of my mind. _Pretender._ It rang gleefully. My own mind against itself.

I looked one last time at the book. _I'll take a look at it later. Too much to do,_ and with that, I left my bedroom, descending the stairs to the grand hall. Servants bowing as they hurried to my room to clean it… I didn't see the point. After years of forests, tents and aravels – I'd gotten use to fending for myself. Even after all this time with the Inquisition – as Inquisitor – I never got use to the idea of people helping me with day to day work. "My lady," the would say as they passed me. I nodded in return, a small smile on my lips for them. An appearance. A façade. Anything to keep the people happy.

 _Pretender._ I flinched. Why that word? I opened the door to the gorgeous hall Josephine had procured for the Inquisition. It's blue rugs laying down across the stone floor. The Silver intricate threading through black curtains – and the fires lining the hall. The throne at the top, right in front of me. It's white and silver intricate Ivy climbing up the back. A token of my heritage. Blue cushion seating – with black nobs – a throne for kings to say the least. Overall the hall was warm – yet authoritative and elegant. I remember Vivienne being so pleased. Her smile and eyes had been lit with enthusiasm. Anyone would have thought Josephine had done this all for her – not me.

"Inquisitor?" A voice pulled me from my awe.

"Cassandra," my eyes falling onto the seeker, "on your way to the war room as well?"

"Where else would I be?"

"Well since you've killed ALL our training dummies, you've got me there". _Play the sarcasm. Play the comments. Maybe they won't notice you're empty inside._

A blush started forming across her cheeks, "Cullen could be just as responsible, even Bull".

"Yes, but I've seen you go at them – especially when angry or stressed. I believe disfigured and missing a few limbs is your m/o… Oh! And when the head is missing it's all you. Bull only goes after the stomach – and Cullen rarely touches them. You are the most likely culprit".

A laugh burst from behind us. I couldn't even mimic it if I tried. I turned to the owner of the voice – Leiiana. Her purple cloak covering her red hair, her pleasant features full of mockery and secrets. I have learned not to cross her, she knows too much about everybody. "She's got you there Cassandra".

Cassandra huffed at the both of us, "shouldn't we be heading to the war room?"

"Oh Cassandra, you're so easily flustered… You should learn to relax a little". Leliana smiled at Cassandra, her words affecting me more then they should. Almost like they were directed at me. I knew they weren't. At least some part of my brain could comprehend that they weren't. "Des, you doing alright there? You're looking a little green…"

My eyes fluttered up to Leliana. Busted. "I'm fine, just lost in thought is all". I shook my head to clear my brain, making all the noise disappear; hopefully for some time. "Let's just get to the war room…" my voice almost sounded defeated. If Leliana and Cassandra had exchanged looks I didn't notice. I carved my way to the war room, intent… wanting to get the meeting over with. The only thing I looked forward to was seeing Cullen. His face was comforting when my own thoughts plagued me.

I swung upon the doors to the war room. Cassandra and Leliana trailed behind me, their footsteps echoing along the stone hall. Cullen and Josephine waiting on the other side of the table. His eyes fell upon me… a shiver. For a moment, I wanted to close my eyes and enjoy this moment. The spark. The thrall. The liquid amber that sometimes haunted my dreams, both day and night. A lopsided smile graced his perfect lips. _I might melt right here…_ "Des, it's good you could make it". That voice. _Just like you to be weak enough to fall for your advisor._

A mirror crack. A flaw. "Wouldn't miss it", a fake smile. Not because of him. It was me.

"Inquisitor, we should get started. Corypheus is dead, but there is still much this Inquisition could do for the people. We hold a lot of influence among nobility, and other factions. I would suggest we start addressing the Mage – Templar war".

Just like Josephine to get right down to the grit of the issue.

"We don't even know if we can have an opinion... We picked the Mages when we needed help closing the breach… The Templars me take that as us playing favourites". Leliana was right. When asking for help with the breach – we chose to ask the mages leaving the Templars in the hands of Corypheus without even realizing the consequences.

"We have to do something. They will tear Thedas apart if we don't!"

"I'm not saying we don't deal with it Josie, I'm just not sure that we can publically say we are helping to create peace between Mages and Templars. The Templars won't trust us because it's assumed we sympathize the mage rebellion". The headache behind eyes started to grow louder within my skull.

A questioned then formed on my lips, "Leliana? What is the Inquisition able to do about anything? Is turning our focus onto this war really going help? Or are we going to make matters worse. Let's be realistic, it's not just assumed that we sympathize for mages… After all I am one... I kind of do sympathize for the mages… It doesn't mean I don't see the need for Templars, nor do I believe they have had it easier then us… It's just that my voice on the matter may seem rather pointless".

The pause around the room. I hit the bull's-eye. The elephant in the room no one will say. "I can't believe I'm saying this… But… what if we turned our efforts into helping Orlais rebuild? Empress Celine will need some support for the civil war…" Josephine's voice filled the empty noise around the room.

"Is that really our business?" The seeker chimed, "quite frankly getting into Orlesian politics is complicated at best and shitty at worst".

"Delicately put Cassandra," Leliana looked at Cassandra, her bluntness always seemed to bother Leliana. Honestly, it was quite refreshing at times.

"Really Leliana, there isn't anybody else here…"

"You never know who is listening Casandra."

"Good to know you're paranoid as usual," Cullen's silky voice wafting over the conversation.

"Well, this isn't getting us anywhere – except into further frustration with each other… Honestly what are our options?" I hated this – I hated pulling the trump card; sometimes though, it was necessary.

"Desideria… let's be honest. Without support from the Templars as well we can't engage in the war…Orlesian politics isn't really our affair to get involved in and to be frank they can deal with their own 'game'" he paused… I don't think my eyes left his lips as he spoke each word. "The Grey Wardens need some time on their own to rebuild. Their organization is so secretive they wouldn't want Inquisition involvement anyways."

"I was never going to suggest the wardens… After traveling with them before, I know how secretive they can be."

"Leliana and Cullen do have strong points on that matter," Josephine nodded, her head never looking up from the clipboard in her hand.

I looked from her, to Leliana, to Cassandra, and then finally back to Cullen. "So… where does that leave us?"

His long sigh, his hand raking through his hair. His eyes closed momentarily… "Right now, our best move would be to improve relations between us and the Templars".

"How do we do that…? No offense, but with our Inquisitor is a mage herself – that might put us in a sour position with them. Not to mention the fact that our mage allies roam freely and aren't overly supervised".

I felt each hit like it was a physical one. A flinch here… a wince there. They kept arguing on and on. What do do…. What to do? It seemed as they delved deeper into this argument the major concern was me… I was a mage. An elf to boot. Could the Templars see me as a voice of authority when they spent their entire lives fighting against the mages… only to bow to one? Their voices raised. My headache pounded. Thought upon thought raided my head as their voices continue to nag at each other. My voice staying silent… My head screaming within

Cullen believed it was possible, His hope shining bright among the blackness in the room. He believed with the right amount of favours and help, the Templars could be reasoned with. Wishful thinking? Cassandra assumed that it would be more difficult then Cullen was leading it on to be. Even with all the connections between the two of them in the order. Josephine just wanted it to work but was concerned about our 'favouritism' to mages. Especially since I was the one sitting within the throne. Leliana was worried that the Templars wouldn't take us by our word or our actions so long as the Inquisition continued to help the mages.

"We haven't even figured out how to get the chantry involved in all of this," Cassandra said.

"Not that, that really matters… I'm their 'Herald' after all… aren't I? Or is that going to be another problem we have to work around?" The silence that filled the room meant they had forgotten I was even here. "I'll take the silence as a yes… So realistically… the problem is me?"

Cullen sighed, "I realize how this sounds Desideria but our concern is for your safety. Templars could do massive damage to you". I cringed at the memory those words held. The hinterlands had been crawling with Templars, and one had taken away my powers and then stabbed me through the ribs. My head had hit the ground with a loud crack. Cullen had been the only one capable of giving me my powers long enough to allow myself to heal before fainting from exhaustion. The scar just to the left of my lower chest was the testament to how careful I had to be. "I'm sorry to bring up bad memories," Cullen sighed, his eyes seemed full of worry or was that just me? "But, we can't afford to lose our leader, even now".

The sentiment seemed honest and real enough.

"Is our Commander getting smitten?" the coo came from Leliana, a smile dancing across her lips. Her eyes began to narrow mischievously.

"Uh… no… I mean… I'm just concerned…" Her eyebrows raised as the Commander kept stuttering his words out. The confidence seemed to dash away ever so quickly.

"Ahem… Getting back to the subject at hand," Cassandra's eyes looking pointedly at Leliana. "I believe the Inquisition is still going to be needed. We just have to figure out the best use of our resources".

I sighed, my hands came up to both sides of my temple, rubbing the headache that was growing there. "Well why don't we leave this for now… We aren't getting anywhere and honestly – I have a headache – "

"- Are you alright Des?" The concern came from Cullen. His voice was comforting to me.

I smiled, "I'll be fine… I think I'm still coming down from the shock that it's really over". My hand lowered. _Keep up appearances,_ "I think I'm going to retire to my room as I mull this over a bit…"

"Whatever you decide to do, know that the Inquisition will back you up - as always…"

 _I totally wanted the reminder that it all fell to me._ "I appreciate that Cassandra… thanks everyone." I nodded and took my leave. I didn't even want to look back. I don't think I had ever left the war room without a decision being made… _I wonder if they're surprised._

I walked and walked. My own thoughts stabbing me, like a knife that wouldn't relent. I was the problem. The Inquisition couldn't continue with me as Inquisitor. Maybe that was the best…

My feet took me forward. Where I ended up was up to them. It was like my thoughts and my physical body were two separate beings.

 _Pretender._ Damn that voice. So much like Corypheus in the way it was relentless. His ever knowledge that he was 'better'. "Better my ass, dead in the ground and all," I whispered to myself.

The tavern door was in front of me now. _How did I get here?_ I stared at my feet. I had planned on going to the sanctuary of my room. However, a drink may not be so bad. Drown my sorrows. Drown myself. If I keep to myself no one will bug me and maybe I could forget who I was… if only for a little bit. A small tiny bit of peace and freedom was all I wanted. _Trying to escape your own thoughts? Tell me how you intend to do that…_ I gritted my teeth and swung open the door. I will forget. I will have peace. A one track mind. "Whiskey, no ice, straight up". The bartender was shocked. My eyebrow raised, "please". He scrambled for my drink as I sat down.

"A book. I left it. Did you read?" a voice, small and meek but meaningful.

I turned, "Cole". I wanted to be alone. No interruptions… was that too much to ask?

"The book. It was suppose to help". My drink clanged in front of me, I grabbed it, not looking at him. I downed it in one gulp, throwing it back to the bartender and nodding for another one.

"I haven't read it yet. I was going to soon…"

Cole looked almost aghast. "Time is short! I have to help! You must feel again. You can't let him win," I backed to the bar, stunned at his reaction. "Read! Know your pain. You're losing, fast… down the rat hole. Climb! You are still needed." Before my drink came back to me, I shook my head, eyes wide. What was he saying? I couldn't understand!

"Whoa kid, slow down… what's going on?" Varric's voice drifted above Cole's. The dwarf standing directly behind him, out of my view.

"Not working, must make her forget. Have to try again!" His hand waved in front of me.

"Cole, you can't make me forget".

"Kid, what's wrong?"

"She's losing – going down the rabbit hole, he's winning – must help".

"I… I…"

"Desideria, do you know what he's talking about?" Varric's voice was lit with concern, as he stepped out from behind Cole. "You have been acting odd lately… since we killed Corypheus in fact…"

The drink clanged behind me as the bartender set it down. He stood there as well. All eyes in the tavern were now on me. Cole had caused a scene. All I wanted was a few drinks and to call it a day. A small bit of peace – away from thoughts… Maybe the tavern wasn't such a good idea. I looked up and around; Bull and his chargers even began to stand up and walked towards us. I shook me head. "No clue, and if you'll excuse me". I ran… I didn't even have my drink. I left it.

I bashed through the door of the Tavern, leaving everyone in awe behind me. I didn't care. I needed to be alone. As I ran up the stairs – Cole appeared in front of me. "You must let me help!". I startled. I backed up. I lost my balance. I fell. I watched in slow motion as the world turned around and around. Then blackness covered my vision. I heard a few shouts in the distance. Then utter silence. My mind as silent as the world around me except for the last few words that rang loud and clear through my skull, _you fool, you cannot run from me._


End file.
